My feet moved like lead up the concrete walkway. I didn’t want to come home. To chaos. To addicts. A home now empty with my mom no longer living in it.
“I’m not real. I’m a robot. I’m not real. I’m a robot. I’m a robot. I’m a robot.” I chanted to myself as I dragged myself up the last few stairs into the house.
I didn’t want to feel anymore. If I could just numb out, then maybe I could survive. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. Just maybe.
I realized a few years ago that I still utilize my 10 year old robot tactic when things get tough. I resort to emotion stuffing and hiding what I am truly feeling in that moment.
Because it’s a learned coping mechanism. Based from fear.
Fear shuts me down and shuts me up. It keeps emotions locked inside so I don’t have to confront or deal with them.
Because it’s scary to be vulnerable, especially with other people.
And I made a choice to turn it around. There is a better way.
Because fear doesn’t win!
So, when the need to stuff emotions comes up, I may remain quiet in the moment, but when I get a chance alone, I hit my knees. Praying, crying, journaling until… Until the release comes. And it does. Sometimes with further instructions but it comes.
And it is FREEDOM.
And fear loses.
Because fear loses in the end. It always loses because fear is defeated on the cross.
It takes a mindset change to accept.
Do you hear that sweet sister? Fear. LOSES.
Is fear winning in your life? Are you being ruled by unhealthy coping mechanisms? What could you do today to change the course of fear in your life?
Great blog!!! The “I’m a robot,” resonated with me…reminded me of my shut down coping mechanism with whatever I was facing that was/is too hard. “Because fear loses in the end. It always loses because fear is defeated on the cross.” Hallelujah!!! Something I need to post somewhere I can be reminded everyday. God bless you!!