No one will ever control my life like this ever again. No one will ever take advantage of me again. No one will ever force me… Promises I made to my child self.
Those promises and circumstances made me tough. Hardened certain areas of my tender heart. Control emotion and show none. Don’t cry. Hold it in. Get angry. Shove it down deep, hide it in dark. Because if it escapes it scares, tortures, humiliates.
My heart breaks like fragile soap bubbles but not likely to show on the outside. A poker face I have perfected. Smile and nod. Story of my life. Pretend. Feelings are not allowed unless they are happy and pretty.
Jumping up and down on pesky emotions, to shove them back into the black hole, trying to spring forth and destroy. Expert status. Like Mario jumping on turtle backs and sending them sailing across the screen, far away. Save the day.
And it’s torment. I don’t cry in front of others. If the tears come, I suck them in or go hide in the bathroom. If they break free, there may be no stop. Endless rivers of years held back by the dam of condemnation. Too risky.
The people pleaser in me tells me not to make anyone uncomfortable. To burden those with my emotional junk is not okay. Even my husband. And my children.
Self protection can be a good thing but when it becomes a way of denial, it’s dangerous. Robbing those who love us from fully being able to love all of us. Even the ugly parts.
The stuffing stifles my children. If mama is always tough, maybe they need to be tough too. The stuffing cycle continues. Hindering.
I come before the throne a broken vessel and beg God to let my tenderness show on the outside. To stomp out the fear and reveal my broken heart when it’s life giving to another. Not to burden. To refresh and heal. Real.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 2 Cor 1:4 (NLT)
Friend, are you struggling to show your emotions? Does it stem from childhood violations and promises? Can you let down the tough girl/guy and reveal your real heart?
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