Dear Mel Vol 18

Dear Mel,
How do you honor a husband who does not honor you?
Where is the peace that surpasses all understanding in this situation as with any situation that arises where God does not seem to be present?  The thought that have been in the back of my mind and are screaming their way out now…are they right?  Do we make excuses for God?  Cause there has been no answer in these situations, and I can’t hold on much longer.
~ Dishonored ~

Dear Dishonored:

There are so many potential answers to this question. My first thought is that what I am about to say does NOT apply to a situation where you are being abused; mentally, emotionally, or physically. Honoring a spouse that dishonors you is a huge challenge. One that is not taken lightly, even by God. Men are clearly told to honor and love their wives in the bible.1 Peter 3:7, Ephesians 5:25, Ephesians 5:28

But what is a wife to do when the husband does not abide by God’s word? Is your husband a believer? Can you seek Godly counsel together? In 1 Peter 3:1 wives are told to be submissive to their husbands, so that any who are non-believers will be won over by your behavior, not your words. Continue to try to win him over by your actions. And pray, pray, and pray.

If he is unwilling to go to counseling, go see your pastor. He can give you sound biblical advice and pray for you both. If anything, you need someone safe to talk to and he will likely have some more ideas on ways to win your husband over.

Please don’t think God is not with you. It may be hard to see now but I guarantee that He is there and He is at work. I prayed for 8 very long years that my husband would become a believer. I never preached to him. I invited him to church with our son once in a while and I prayed. God brought other Christian men into his life that were bold enough to talk to him about their faith and to answers his questions. He’s been a believer now for over 9 years. I had to wait on God’s timing and as always, it was perfect.

Now you have folks praying for your marriage! That’s very powerful! I will be praying that God will bring some good, solid Christian husbands into his circle so that he can see that he’s not treating you right. Don’t give up!


  1. Mel has offered some great things to consider, and I’m praying for you as well. Depending upon what dishonuring we are talking about there are some things you can try if he is not honouring with respect or time or attention. One is trying to talk to him without blame, without using ‘always’ or ‘never’. Get him to see that you want to communicate and make things better but you need him to understand that you have to meet in the middle with both giving equally. You can never do more than you can, you cannot make up for his inattention with more (for example). Try to get someone to pray with you, and for you. List the things that you love about him, tell him why you fell in love with him and what hurts about your relationship now. Go slow and be able to step back if either of you are feeling you need to. Reach out and touch his hand, do something together with no distractions and offer your love again. Pray that God will lead you both towards healing.

  2. Dishonored, I have an extra love dare book I’d be willing to ship to you if you would like to send me your name and addie through the dear Mel form. Maybe having those step-by-step instructions for you would be helpful? I actually own two copies so if you thought your hubby would do it with you, I would be willing to send them both. Hugs!

  3. Dishonored, I definitely will be praying for you. I lived in a verbally and mentally abusive marriage for 31 years. It ended in divorce after much counseling (for me – he felt he didn’t need it), much prayer, and much grief. He was not a believer and that was my question too…how DO you submit to the authority of someone who doesn’t submit to God? All I can say is that I did my best as long as it was not in direct opposition to the Word. Some days that looked like staying home from church to spend time with him. Sometimes it meant praying through the yelling and accusations instead of yelling back (so very hard for me!) I was separated for 4 years before divorcing last October. I wish him no ill believe it or not. I still pray he finds God. I feel like spending time in anger, regret or hate would just take more years away from me. I waited until he left me, but honestly, it was so toxic, I don’t if staying so long was the right thing to do. I will tell you this…I surrounded myself with people who prayed and loved me through all of it.

  4. Mel, your answer brought me hope about my dad. Thanks 🙂

  5. Well said.
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