Dear Mel Vol11

Dear Mel,
I am currently in a very unhealthy marriage. It has been this way for quite some time. My husband has a serious sexual addiction that has slowly destroyed our relationship. What started in pornography led to cyber-sex, then actual physical cheating. The pattern has been one that has gone on through years of marriage and 3 children. Every time an “”issue”” has been brought up, it has been me who has fought for our family and begged to keep our relationship intact. Most recently, my husband told me he felt our relationship was basically over and that he did not love me any more. It’s been about a month, and we are still technically married, but have not even begun to discuss the underlying issues behind his statement (and the break down of our relationship) because he refuses to talk to me about them. I know God is not a big advocate of divorce, but I also know that He does not want his children to needlessly suffer. I have been given all kinds of advice, but my question is: how are you supposed to know (in this type of situation where there is not necessarily a “”right”” or “”wrong””) if what you are feeling is God leading you or the devil trying to trap you?? (i.e. is God telling me to keep fighting for our family, or does the devil want to keep me here to keep his hold on my life? does God want me to be released from the suffering and protect my girls, or is the devil trying to destroy our family?)
Thanks for listening,
~ Confused 🙁  ~

Dear Confused:
First, let me say how terribly sorry I am for what you are dealing with. My heart breaks for your family. I really prayed over what to say to you. What weighs heavy on my heart is for you to seek counseling from your pastor or other wise Christian counsel. Whether you and your husband end up divorced, you are  going to need counseling and someone safe to talk to now.

It can be difficult to decipher the difference between the devil’s snare and God speaking. Pray for clear guidance and for protection from the enemy. Pray as you open your bible for God to speak clearly to you. This always amazes me how He will direct us to the right passage.

Do you have a group at church that you trust? I suggest having a group come in and pray over and bless your home. Satan has already infiltrated your family. You need to be prayed over as well as your marriage, your children, and your home.

I will be praying for you. If you need to talk further, please email me.

Please, feel free to share your advice with Confused.



  1. Confused,
    While I had no children, I lost my marriage to internet porn. It tore me apart, left me ragged and with no self esteem or confidence. I did not attend church, but a friend did and had her preacher call me. he clarified my thinking by listening to me and telling me that I had already made up my mind, that I was not going to survive this relationship anymore. I am not saying that this is the answer for you, but – you need to think of yourself and your children. In this tearing you apart, you cannot present the strong role model that your children need and they are not getting a good role model in their father at this moment. This is nothing that you did, it was a choice made that eliminated you from the equation. It is an addiction that is one of Satan’s strongest tools and joys, but it takes 2 to make a marriage and you cannot pull this yoke alone. You are going in circles and getting sick. Please take care of yourself and realize that with this electronic age, you are not alone in this mess. I used to introduce myself – Hi, my name is () and I’m an internet wife. I have been out of it now for 11 years and am still trying to find my courage and self respect. Don’t let it take you that long!

  2. Dear sister Confused,

    I left an abusive, sex and porn addicted spouse. There were no children, thank our Lord for that mercy, so I can only offer some thoughts to consider from the perspective of one sister to another. Your email didn’t say if you two have your faith in common or if he was an unbeliever. If he sincerely wishes to change and will go to counselling then I would suggest that you review the decision to go or stay in a few months. However, if he does not wish to change (and your email suggests that) then I have to plea with you to take care of your children first, and pray that once you and they are in a safe place that God can work in the heart of your husband. Their safety, and your duty as Mama to that safety, is so important. They are learning how adults interact by the relationship you and your husband have – and it is not healthy in spirit, emotion or physically. God does frown upon divorce, but I also know in my heart that God would never want a child of His to suffer abuse.

    I’m praying for you, and if you wish to email more privately please let me know and we’ll find a way to connect. You are in a very difficult place, and if you have some support that will be there for you it would be wonderful to seek it for your children and yourself.

    One last plea – do not let anyone try to cajole or bully you into staying because it is your ‘duty’ or because divorce is ‘always wrong’. Each of us has a relationship with our Lord on a personal basis, and with a prayerful approach to the situation He will get us out.

    God may wish you to stay and try if a true reconciliation can be achieved with counselling and real work on by both of you. The devil will want you to stay and be trapped with your children based solely on the ‘do not divorce’ rule without consideration of reconciliation potential or your safety.

    His cheating has broken the most sacred promise of your marriage, your dedication to making it work is so admirable but I learned the hard way that no one person can make up for the lack of effort in their partner by trying harder. You can only give your 100%, and he has to meet you in the middle giving his 100%. If he won’t then your children need you to be healthy, strong and show them good and Godly leadership by getting them to safety.

    Many prayers and bright blessings,
    Shanyn, the Scarred Seeker

  3. Dear Confused, I also went through this same situation – pornography, then physical adultery, with children in our home. I begged him to go to counseling, but he refused. I didn’t want to be divorced and I don’t believe God wants that usually, so I did the only thing I could. I prayed constantly and continually for my marriage to be restored. For four years! His affair continued the entire time. I had the same doubts too – was it God or Satan. I’ve always been taught that no answer IS an answer and to not take action until you hear clearly & planly from God. Sitting in church one Sunday, I heard God to speak to me as if He were sitting next to me on the pew and He said, OK, now it is time to file for divorce, but you must do one thing faithfully. Pray for your husband, not for the marriage. I felt such a peace and knew for sure because of that feeling that it was God speaking to me. I did file for divorce and I’m so happy now. I continue to pray for my ex and hope some day he will find his way back to God. And because of God, and only because of God, I am able to be on good terms with my ex, for our children and grandchildren.
    I believe God would not want you or your children to be living in this situation.

  4. Lord, please give “Confused” wisdom and insight into her circumstances. Help her to rest in Your strength, trusting You to lead her even when she does not know where she’s going. Help her in her decision-making. Amen.

  5. I am a Pastor’s wife and sadly we deal with these issues alot. You have been given some very wise and sound advice above. I agree with Melinda that you need a Pastor or Christian counsel where you, and hopefully your husband can get counseling. Ultimately nobody but God can give you the answer “divorce” or “no divorce”, and with prayer and Godly council I believe you will find the right answer for you and your family. Either situation could be true, God could be using you to be strong and save your marriage or the devil could be trying to destroy you by keeping you trapped. God will give you discernment to figure out which answer is true and we will all be praying for you for guidance in this situation! I encourage you to pray for yourself, your husband and for protection for your children. I pray you find comfort in Him!
    ~Your Sister In Christ!

  6. I have not read the other comments, so I apologize if I have repeated anything. According to scripture, you are able to divorce due to this reason. It sounds as if you have tried to seek help and reconciliation, yet your husband desires to live outside of God’s protection. Scripture would say to allow him to go. I would not want my children living in that environment either, and I myself would leave without any doubt that God was allowing me to go. I would suggest counseling for both you and your girls however, and something a friend was told who went through your exact situation (yes, they divorced, and her pastor supported her), do not speak negatively about him to the children. They will discover the truth and come to their own conclusions, but if you are the one speaking negativity, they will be angry with you.

    I am so sorry you have been put in this situation, and that your girls are not living with a father they deserve. This whole situation, and so many like it, break my heart. In answer to your question, yes, Satan wants to break your family apart, and every other family as well. It seems he has a firm grasp on your husband, but you do not need to follow suit. Pray for your husband’s soul and heart, as it seems both are very very lost.

  7. I agree with most all the above comments so I won’t reiterate. Instead I’ll pray a prayer for your family. God bless you all…

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