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Dear Mel:
My friend just confessed to me that she’s been having an affair with someone at work. I’m so sad for her family. She’s a Christian and to be really honest, I’m pissed at her. I’ve kept my feelings to myself but I don’t know what to say to her. I can’t see her at church and pretend everything’s okay. She said she’s torn between her husband and this other man. I’d appreciate any ideas on what to say to her!
~Concerned Friend~
Dear Concerned Friend:
That’s a doozie of a situation for you all. I can only imagine how hard this is on you. You know my first piece of advice is always to pray about this situation and your words. Second, and I apologize if you already know this, but I feel it has to be said. Do not tell anyone else. I’ll explain more later.
Since this is a really delicate and potentially explosive situation, I would advise getting together with your friend again, very soon. Pray for wisdom and discernment. If she is struggling with which man to choose, it means she still cares for her husband. That’s a good starting off point. You need to lay it on the line for her but you can do so by still being her friend and loving her.
Nancy DeMoss in her book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free, gives a great analysis when we see someone in sin and what to do. If we saw someone’s house was on fire and lives were at risk, we’d do more than bang on their door to save their lives. Your friend’s got a fire in her life. One that is going to damage many lives. While I’m not normally a blunt person, this isn’t a time to mince words. Tell her you love her but you can’t sit by and let her house burn down.
Ask her to meet with your pastor for counseling. The pastor should be able to give her wise counsel. You might go with her to encourage her to do it and to give her some support. It would be scary and hard to go to the pastor over something like this.
I’m going to let my readers chime in on further advice. Someone else is likely better suited to advise here.
Please leave your advice in the comments below.
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Dear Concerned friend, I wish I had a friend like you when I was going thru break up and divorce. Since she came to you and confessed this to me means that she trusts you and I would think any comments or advice would be welcomed. I agree to pray about it and seek God’s guidance. i will pray for you both.
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This is a very hard place to be. For you, for your friend, and for her family when this comes out. It will come out, if to a small group or large.
There are three things you can do for your friend.
Love her. Not her choice, but her. Let her know you still care for her as a person. She will need that, she may need that now.
Pray for her. Pray with her. Let her know you are.
Encourage her. Whatever her reasons for the affair, she needs to really take a hard look at her marriage. Write down, with her, the things she fell in love with in her husband. Write down with her the things she loves about her children. Ask her to pray on those things.
You can also encourage her to end the affair, to get counselling (on her own first, and then maybe as a couple).
There are somethings you should NOT do.
Don’t judge.
Don’t blame.
Don’t assume you know the whole story. There is a lot going on here that even she and her husband may not realize.
Don’t choose sides.
Don’t bring in other people. You can ask for prayer, but do not leak details.
Don’t stop praying.
Don’t stop loving.
Don’t get involved with group gossip, even if it is in a church setting.
Even if she chooses to leave. Even if you cannot be friends with her because of this choice, you can still pray for her. Pray for her and for her family.
Praying for you in this difficult position.
Praying for her in her own difficult place.
Praying for her family.
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You are the voice of sound reason, my dear Mel. Right on target advise and lovingly delivered.
First, let me say that all the advise given above is correct. That is the biblical way to deal with your friend. This is very delicate and there is a great deal at stake with all parties involved and I can tell that you don’t want to make any of it worse.
I do have to say that I experienced the same thing with a friend of mine. She revealed to me she was beginning to have feelings for another man and had been having lunch dates with him at work. She told me she felt bad for this but just didn’t feel she loved her husband any more since she didn’t feel those warm fuzzy feelings for him anymore.
I counselled her, loved her and prayed for her and with her. But in the end, she chose the path of sin and followed her lustful desires, in fact, in time it was found that she had acted on those lustful desires time after time in her marriage. In the end, she left her husband, divorced, for a time lost her children and found herself in an abusive relationship. I believe when he first confided in me, it wasn’t a cry for help but a cry for approval to justify her sin. She was feeling me out to see if she could find approval to lift the guilt she still had a twinge of.
What an encouragement I am, huh? My point, though, is when you have done what is right, loved and encouraged and prayed, your friend may still choose the path that leads to destruction (I will pray that God will intervene), but if she does, please know that there is nothing more you could have done. The choice is hers and no matter what happens, if you have followed the counsel above, she will have brought it on herself. I know when we love someone, we desperately want to stop them from hurting themselves and others, but sometimes the only thing we can do is stand by in tears and watch it happen. Rushing in to tell someone else or responding in anger or trying to exert control with manipulation will only backfire.
If you find yourself there, Please extend yourself grace and do not feel guilty. People make bad choices and they must live with the consequences. God is sovereign above all and she is His child and will allow her to go her her own way but will never stop loving her, longing for her and chasing after her. There may come a time when you will have to say, she is yours, Lord. She has always been after all and always will be.
May God grant you grace my friend, wisdom as you love her and counsel her, perseverance and patience in your prayers for her and may God’s Holy Spirit go before you and alongside you and behind you as you deal with whatever comes ahead of you. May God grant you peace as you walk thru this valley with her.
Submitted in love and concern…..
A secular psychologist may say if the individual is able to stop the outside relationship, then stop it, without telling the spouse and then seek counsel concerning the missing piece that this other person is filling. The Bible says the truth will set you free. While the above approach could work, it ceases to deal with the guilt associated with the betrayal. My advice for the friend is taken from Galatians 6:1 “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” Sin has a way of multiplying and like wild fire may spread quickly. If your friend does not want to get help and desires to keep living this dual lifestyle, I believe Matthew 18:15-17 may shed some light on the subject. Use progression. Confront her and then confront her with the Pastor, you may be screaming at this point, but the Bible has hard things to follow and sin is serious and so is the devil’s desire to kill us. At this point, let the Pastor handle it and he should know the rest of the scriptures to cause the situation to come to a head as gently and quickly as possible. Remember, your first duty is self-protection when helping others, you too have a family to protect and what seems like fast progression will lead to this point either way. The wages of sin is death, but if she repents early, her husband is in a better position for forgiveness and if she desires to continue in sin and leave her husband for someone else, your conscious is clear.
All I want to say is seek for God’s guidance and He will guide you. 🙂
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Wonderful advice. I’d only add if she doesn’t respond when you go to her maybe then pray and try again with an elder along as it says to first confront alone and then to take someone else.
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