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Hidden Secrets – I Never Feel Safe

Hidden Secrets

You all had a lot to share with your hidden secrets! Some made me very sad but I am glad to provide a place to get these off your chest. If you have a secret you’d like to share, just fill in the form at the bottom of this post. * To be clear, these are all submissions by readers *

I have never felt safe. I have been abused by several people in my life. First time I was only 5 years old. It was a neighbor. Second abuser was not a one time event.It was my brother. Over an over again. I would hide from him and he would find me. I told my parents but they didn’t believe me.

πŸ™ The next one was tricky. He never touched me. He messed with my head tho. My uncle told me in detail what he would do to a pretty little girl like me if we weren’t related. All of this while living with an angry father who yelled a lot and threw things and a scared mother who hid in her room and cried.

When I moved out I thought I would finally be safe. HA! I was no longer sexually abused but the physical abuse started. One boy friend after another. I finally met the man of my dreams and we got married. Only to find out he was worse than all of the others put together! When I finally was able to leave him I was a mother to two beautiful little girls. I took them to the only home I had ever known. My brother didn’t live there anymore but came over frequently.

I guarded my daughters as carefully as possible. I was able to keep them safe only by becoming his victim again. Sad story,but true.

I am now remarried to a man I love very much that does not hit me or sexually abuse me. Some would still say he is abusive. He is very selfish and can be controlling. But,I am the same. He would never let anyone hurt me. Those beautiful daughters grew into beautiful women and now have children of their own.(and they are safe.)


Dear Dad,

I want to apologize for never being good enough. I am sorry that you couldn’t find it in your heart to love me. I understand that you had more important things to do than to raise me. I often wish that I had a second chance… I would make you proud, I promise. I often miss being “”Daddy’s little girl””, and it kills me to realize that I failed you so badly.

I hope that your drugs and addictions served you well. I am sure that they didn’t fail you like I have, since you loved them so much more. Please forgive me for not fighting harder to have your love and devotion that a daughter should have.

I am sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to accomplish what you wanted me to, that I jumped when you burnt me on the hand, that I was never fast enough when racing Mitchelle, that you could never find it in your heart to take me to a soccer game and watch me play. I am sorry I could never sing the songs you wanted me to, and I am sorry for everything else that I was never did good enough at. You were right… I will never become anything. I fail too much.

Love,
Your failure of a daughter


Dear God:

I want so badly to love you and feel loved. But I can’t. You see I don’t trust you. How could you hurt little children by allowing them to be hurt so badly? Why would you allow that for your own creation? How could the sin of Adam and Eve ruin everything for everyone? I don’t get it. Why punish all of humankind because of something they did? I see these successful women who love you and I don’t get it. I loved you once but I never felt it returned. Nothing good ever came my way. Why do you bless some and ignore others? Why do some have to live an entire life in pain while others don’t? I hear folks say God doesn’t play favorites but I disagree. You do. Just look around. People who truly love you are still suffering but a few lucky ones get to have it all. I am angry with you God. Honestly, if there is a hell, I don’t care if I go to it. I’m already in it. I’ve always been there. And yet, why would a loving God torture any of his creatures? That makes no sense. I’m just broken.

 

3 Comments

  1. Wow, so much sadness and heartbreak in the world. These were so hard to read. My heart goes out to those who are hurting like this. Thank you for giving a safe outlet, Mel!

  2. Breaks my heart πŸ™ So many hurting folks who feel there’s no where to turn :(Praying as well.

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