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Dear Mel Vol7

Dear Mel:
Ok. Soooo, say that you have been abused. How do you deal with the temptations of repeating it? As stupid as it sounds, abused people often end up becoming the abusers. How do you break that chain?
~ Stuck in the Cycle ~

Dear Stuck in the Cycle:
This is the hardest question that’s been asked of me yet. I really had to pray about this answer because my abuser continued the cycle with me and several other girls. The first thing that I would say is mandatory, is to seek professional counseling from someone who specializes in sexual abuse. Second, if you feel a draw to children and to perpetuate the abuse again, then you need to remove the opportunities to abuse another child. That means, while you have those impulses, you should not allow yourself to be around children and you should never under any circumstances be left alone with them.

Now this may surprise those who have not experienced abuse but I have had many grown women tell me that as survivors of sexual abuse, when their hormones were raging as teens, they feared and may have even contemplated sexual abuse on a child. They were able to resist that urge. Many of them were believers and they took it to the Lord. Those feelings eventually went completely away.- And for those wondering, no this was never one of my issues but it certainly did pose problems with my seeking male attention as a teen.

Abuse cycles continue because instead of resisting those urges, people give into them. Right now you have the power because you are recognizing it for what it is and seeking help. PLEASE, don’t stop here. Because you sought this site and advice, I know you don’t want to continue this abusive cycle. But what little bit of advice I can offer isn’t enough. Seek Him, seek help, and please be honest about it so that others can help you.

I want you to think about how you felt being violated as a child and let that sink in. Would you ever want to make another child feel that way? Remember those haunting questions?

Why me?
Why would you allow that God?
Wasn’t I important enough? Loved enough?
Why couldn’t I have been saved?
What would I really be like if this hadn’t happened to me?
Will this always haunt me?
How could you?

Don’t rob another child of being who God created them to be. You were robbed of your innocence but you don’t have to continue this cycle. It can stop with you!

Do you have any advice for Stuck In The Cycle? I realize this is a very touchy subject. Your first gut response maybe to attack but please refrain from it – those kinds of comments won’t be published anyway. Coming forward and admitting to something like this is HUGE. So let’s give REAL advice and love. How will they know we are Christians? By our love.

6 Comments

  1. This is a huge question, and good on you Mel for not shying away from the hard questions. While I don’t have any further advice than what you have said, I do think this sort of thing needs to be talked about more. Yes, sexual abuse is a bad thing but if we are able to talk openly and honestly about this type of thing, how much could we prevent by being able to help heal through love? An abuser of any kind is crying out for Jesus in their inner most being, as they reach out in innappropriate ways. Don’t be scared to bring this to him, he knows and wants to guide your steps, he needs you to open up to him your true heart.

  2. I think it might be helpful for the person to picture what it would be like if he/she abused someone and then later, on down the road, it became known. Think of the embarrassment, the shame, and the incredible pain this would cause. Lastly, remember that on the judgement day, everything will be laid bare for all to see. Is this what you would want people to know about you? Hope this helps.
    Diane Yuhas recently posted..Day Away- 3 Road Trip Kits &amp A Bag Of Essentials

  3. Cindy Soulshine

    In addition to the thoughts and advice Melinda shared, my first thought is, Jesus loves you, “Stuck”. Just like He loves Melinda, just like He loved David, Abraham, Paul, etc., just like He loves me – Jesus Loves YOU! In spite of the thoughts you’re having, in spite of the shame you *may* feel from being abused, in spite of your sins, in spite of it all – He loves YOU.

    Second thought is, I love you, too. We all have “secrets”, we all have sinful thoughts, and we all have a NEED for Jesus. No matter your thoughts or desires, I love you with the heart of the One who loves you and me so completely and mercifully, and I will be lifting you in prayer to Him.

    Third, when I read this, I was reminded of a quote that went FAR in aiding my recovery and healing of drug addiction: “We are no more responsible for the thoughts that pass through our minds than a scarecrow for the birds which fly over the seed plot he has to guard. The sole responsibility in each case is to prevent them from settling.” ~ John Churtom Collins In other words, the thoughts may always flash through your mind (OR God may deliver you from them completely, I don’t know) – your responsibility and saving grace is to immediately erase them from your mind by focusing on Truth – distract your thoughts by going to God in prayer, or by reading Scripture, or even calling up a friend and talking about something… anything… else. Ask God to help you take those thoughts and desires captive and deliver you from them! Ask Him every day, every hour, every minute if you need to. When we focus on HIM, there’s very little room left in our minds for anything else.

    With much love, and in prayer for deliverance in Jesus,
    Cindy

    (Another thought, listen to the song, “Shackles” by Mary Mary that Melinda shared a few days ago, over and over and over again. Pray those lyrics! This song is another tool that aided in delivering me from the constant thoughts of drugs.)

    • Cindy, I LOVE that quote. That is powerful because sometimes, our thoughts come from left field and we wonder why we would ever think something like that. It’s true, it’s about letting them settle.

      “We are no more responsible for the thoughts that pass through our minds than a scarecrow for the birds which fly over the seed plot he has to guard. The sole responsibility in each case is to prevent them from settling.” ~ John Churtom Collins

  4. If I could hug everyone in this bloggy conversation I would! First, I know that took tremendous courage to ask the question, and for you to address it, Melinda. All the comments are so good. I speak from one who journeys along side another who was Stuck in the Cycle. Praise God that He delivers us moment by moment! Truly, truly, His grace is sufficient.

    You are loved so dearly. Your value and worth are great. Your thoughts, your behaviors are not your price tag. Christ gave His own life and is extending you NEW LIFE – A NEW HEART. Learn to live out of that new heart, focusing on His truths not the lies of the enemy. It may be the hardest of all to believe but BELIEF is the feet that walk you through. You are not alone. TRUST others to come along side to affirm you. Talk through FEARS again and again.

    Although God may deliver you immediately, there is a good chance this will be a journey. Embrace the journey. There IS HELP!! Don’t give up! We are all called to be over-comers of something. Leave shame at the foot of the cross – it has no part of Kingdom living. Seek council until you find a place you begin to grow and then stay the course. Every situation and struggle is unique but there are threads of similarity. This is such a huge issue and you have power to bring change. Please, please be brave. Freedom is worth every difficult step, first for yourself and then for others.

    Praying, “Father, God you know all before we even were. Nothing surprises you. You planned our lives long before we took one breath. We desperately need you in so many ways. You see the heart of this special one. Please let them know your presence. Remind of your love and your power over every single matter in the entire universe. I ask for courage to continue reaching out. Will you please meet every single need that comes up? May we all know your heart better & be changed as we soak up your love resting in what you have already done. Thank you, thank for your answers! Thank you love broken.”
    Robyn Q recently posted..Favorite Five for Friday

    • Thank you Robyn for taking the time to leave such a well thought out comment. Thank the Lord for new beginnings!

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