Dear Mel:
I am concerned for my sister. She was molested as a child and now she is a mother. Sometimes it seems she doesn’t care about her kids. I worry that her lack of concern could could cause them to be abused as well. I know I haven’t been in her shoes and I don’t know what is in her heart. I just want to help her and I want to protect my nieces and nephew.
~ Worried Sister
Dear Worried Sister:
Wow, that is a tough situation. I would start with spending some time with your sister, maybe go out to dinner or coffee so you two can have some alone time to talk. Find out how she’s doing. If you feel comfortable enough, you could ask her how she’s dealt with having been molested – this question might not be one you ask out in public. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, let her know you are there if she ever does. You could also ask if she worries about that happening to her own kids. You might suggest counseling to her if she hasn’t already gone this route. Don’t push her if she doesn’t want to talk about it but let her know you are there for her.
Dear Mel:
Your post the other day about not talking bad about our husbands got me thinking. Is it okay to talk to a close friend about your husband? Sometimes I need someone to talk to and my best friend and I talk about these things. Is that wrong?
~ Sharing with my bestie
Dear Sharing with my bestie:
Great question and one I am sure most women struggle with. The answer still comes back to respect. Are you okay with your husband going to his best friend about you? If you have your husband’s permission to talk about a situation with your best friend, then that would be fine. If it’s a really serious situation it is probably best to seek out your pastor or a counselor – if you are being abused, tell someone! I know it’s hard because we want to vent to someone. What is best for your marriage has to come first. Sometimes we just need some advice. I know I do! My suggestion would be to leave out the details of what is going on and just ask what your friend would do in a certain situation. But do so with caution.
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What advice would you give Worried Sister and Sharing with my bestie? Feel free to share some words of wisdom in the comments!
I share with my best friend because I need to talk to someone. I know she won’t share with anyone or judge me or my husband. I get what you are saying about respect I just don’t know if I can do that.
My best bud is a Christian. Her advice has literally saved my marriage. I think it depends on the friend. If your friend truly has a HEAVENLY and GODLY perspective of you, your marriage and your friendship it is much like you would a counselor… But if you are best buds with someone who is angry and bitter about men and/or marriage, their advice could deter you from your best decision as Misery loves company..not to be cliche…but it does.
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I totally hear you! I was torn answering this question. I have a mentor and a few very close friends who I know will keep it to themselves and not judge either of us. It also depends on the marriage. Some men don’t mind their wife asking for help or advice and some don’t want their stuff shared with others. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Sometimes we forget (or neglect to remember) that we can vent all we need to in prayer. And sometimes we don’t feel like that’s enough because we don’t get the same kind of feedback that way. Venting to others can cause more problems than it’s worth and I think we need to really examine our motives before sharing things with others regardless. Are we looking for someone to back us up? Are we looking for advice? Will the person we’re talking to handle things in a gentle manner and help us to grow through our difficulties? There is a lot to consider and in recent years I’ve found by the time I’ve considered all those things, I’ve often worked through the issue and often things have been resolved by then. 😉 As you said, though.. a mentor can be a very good thing. And there are times when knowing we’re not alone in our “suffering” is also enough. The key is to use wisdom and to know that the best place to vent is to God Himself or to a safe mentor/sounding board. I think the trick is finding that person that is safe but God can provide that if we ask, as well.
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